The Frost Diaries: By Nick D’Angelo
Throughout all time and existence there is a darkness known as space, this is called Tartarus. The endlessly expanding void of nothingness. In the beginning within this place, existed the great titans who ruled over all that was nothing. Of these many titans 3 were the true beginning of what we call our lives, Gaea was earth and life. All matter, all solid celestial objects among the void of Tartarus is Gaea. And then there was Uranus, the heavens. A place woven directly into the fabric of all the universe itself. Above, below and in between. A place of immortality, dreams and magic. Uranus is also a direct link to the source, or the energy of the universe which fuels all things. Only the gods and titans may bask in the beauty of this light, none who’ve fallen from grace shall ever see it. And one of the most powerful and destructive of the titans was Cronus, the father of time. This was because within time all things perished. But only within time may lives as ours grow and exist.
But as all things did there was balance, for Gaea the mother of all life was fueled by change brought on by Cronus. And Uranus, the heavens though untouched by time, was weakened by the existence of life which took energy from her source. But also each fed the other. In the stars it was told that the titan of time would fall by the hand of his children. But against his wants Cronus eventually loved the daughter of titans Rhea. Rhea was that which brought upon all life as we live it today. She was the daughter of Gaea and Uranus, or of the earth and the heavens and was all that is nature and evolution. And here within time she birthed the children of Cronus, these children were as all life, a product of the bonds within the universe. But the prophecy was told in the stars as it always had been, and always will be.
So the titan Cronus, who was time itself, swallowed his children into infinity. But Rhea the mother of all life and change as we know it, hid her youngest son within the sky of earth away from the grasp of time. Instead tricking Cronus into swallowing a celestial impostor. And so Zeus was saved and thus lived the god of the sky, he grew strong and went to war with his father. Zeus leapt into the depths of infinity. Releasing his brothers and sisters Poseidon, Hades, Hestia, Demeter and Hera. And then before all existence stood the gods who rule us, upon earth and within time down from the heavens.
Poseidon was the great and wild ocean, a place for life to live within and drink from within the grace of the heavens. Then there was Hades, the fire which flows within the earth, and the lifeblood of the blue star whos death created the minerals that embodied the earth before its birth. Zeus was the sky, which existed for all life to breathe and exist below. Gazing upon its ephemeral beauty during the suns set and rise is a constant blessing from him. Demeter reigned over the harvest and growth of life upon earth. Hestia was the virgin Goddess of home, architecture and family, she inspired the growth of our civilization. Last was Hera, the Goddess of marriage who reigned over the bonds of all life. And thus the gods rule was whole, keeping life from the reach of Tartarus. the ever expanding void of blackness.
For many years the earth spun wildly through Tartarus. And so the gods grew strong together, in time forcing Atlas, the titan brother to hold the earth in its place, as he would hold all things in the universe in place, for Atlas is gravity itself. Thus the gods and olympians all reigned over this earth, a place safe for such fragile life. Inspiring culture, traditions and ways of life. The children of these gods were Ares the god of war, Artemis goddess of the hunt, Apollo god of the yellow sun, Athena goddess of wisdom, Hermes the messenger god who may pass through all realms and worlds, Selene goddess of the white moon and so on and so forth, all ruled beneath the veil of Rhea who was nature, spirit and evolution. But it is known in the stars as it has always been, that as the gods overtook their father before them, shall they also be overturned by their children. One will be born to light the spark. Upon the sanctuary of life and heaven. So Zeus banished all who he believed may be responsible for this to the depths of the underworld, a place opposite of the heavens. He decreed all there may never bring children into his realm. And Zeus kept firm rule over his world, for all life who worshipped the gods lifted the Gods to grace and eternal life.
As I stand here now, deciding if i want to walk through my apartment door. I’m serenaded by the sweet muffled sound of my boyfriend, deeply penetrating my best friend Rose. And no, i don’t mean in a good way like murder by butcher knife for instance. He’s penetrating her with his dick, on top of our kitchen table. Today was a pretty good day because i got out of work early. Not something that you can say happens often, at least here in the big apple. Things don’t typically calm down around these parts, we aren’t called the city that never sleeps for nothing.
My name is Eleanor Hadley, a very average girl who grew up in the New York city foster system. On a dense stormy night some 18 years ago, my unknown mother birthed a little baby girl. Then left her crying and bloody in front of an ER, right here in the city that never sleeps. At some point a passerby realized someone left a baby laying around and brought me in. Queens general won the lottery that night. My mother then took off into the dim night, never to be seen again. This wasn’t all bad though, because she graciously left me with an old tarnished necklace to remember her by. Maybe she did this so whoever took care of me from that point forward, could sell it to pay for my diapers. And my dad? I just assume he was some random bum trying to get off, kinda like my boyfriend right now. So i don’t really blame him much.
Most of my time growing up was spent bouncing from foster home to foster home. Once I was old enough, I spent a majority of my time out and about the city though. This place was huge, and you could walk the same street every single day, never once seeing the same face. There was an intimacy to this I enjoyed. Even with hundreds of new faces surrounding you every few steps. Anything you did or said usually would just be forgotten, floating off into the aether before you made it to the next hotdog stand.
I’d often wonder if any of the many faces I’d seen then forgotten, might be one of my mother or father. The ones whom had surely long forgotten the little baby they’d left behind. I found comfort in this thought, as this was my way of having hope. My life now currently consisted of work these days. I had an entry level position as an assistant, to an assistant. Which hadn’t particularly made me feel like I’ve accomplished anything great, though it did ensured I wasn’t homeless. Speaking of homeless, have you ever seen rent prices in the city? Yeah, if you thought being homeless was bad. One step above that was paying rent in New York. I lived in a whopping 600 square foot apartment, costing $1,300 a month, which I happily shared with my boyfriend James. I’m using the word happily loosely. Because when I was at work, he was typically sharing our place, bed, bathroom and kitchen table with my best friend Rose. But half the rent was paid and so was 100% percent of the internet bill, and that makes me happy.
How do I know this was happening? Well besides my current situation, because he’s an idiot to say the least. Also he doesn’t sign out of his social networks when he borrows my laptop. I mean, in his defense he did delete the messages, I just kicked up new conversations with the girls I suspected. It’s not my fault really; I’m just a product of my environment. You’d think I might be upset, and you’re right i am. But I can never say no, it’s one of my great character flaws, and most of all i’m a survivor. I’m only human and I do have needs. Plus no orphan girl can afford to live in this city alone. With no family, relatives, or someone to cosign for me to help build my credit score. My only other option would be to become a stripper. But me, I’m a one guy kind of girl. Even if he’s a 1,2 or 5 girl kind of guy.
I met my “best friend” Rose at my last job, working at an old bookstore in queens named “Reading Robins”, I’d grown up coming here and when I was old enough, I ended up applying and turning it into my first and longest job. Rose had also been the longest friend I’ve ever had. Before i had Rose, books were my only escape from my life in the foster system, Robins is where I’d always go to hide, at least once I was old enough to navigate the subway system on my own. Then, a few weeks after I’d gotten hired for my new assistant job, Reading Robin’s bookstore closed down for good. I assume this was a product of the growing popularity of the internet.
After that Rose became a barista at a coffee place, her and I just happened to keep being friends, which was an unusual accomplishment for me. I really wasn’t the type to hold onto anything, let alone friends. Then between when i started dating my boyfriend and now, she started sucking his dick, I guess that’s what I get for letting him be around her, again I’m not mad. Who could deny Rose? With her petite figure, flowing blonde hair and voluptuous lips. She looked like a Goddess if i’d ever seen one, though there is something to be said about James too, but at least I knew from the start who he was.
I originally met James at a night club, one that Rose dragged me to pretty often. He chatted up about 6 other girls then finally found his way to me, and yep you guessed it, i was in the mood so I bit. His full flowing brown hair reeled me in as much as his broad shoulders and fitted pants. And of course the sex ended up being good, so to make a long story short here I am. Though i’m sure somewhere along the line I died inside, and he noticed.
One time, I even had to stop myself from catching him cheating. I had found a pair of rose’s panties in our bedroom hamper. Panties that she had posted, get this, as her Snapchat story that very morning. Hashtag #newundies. I mean come on dude, I’ve never worn a see through pink thong in my life, but i couldn’t expect him to notice. He was too consumed with himself!
Most of these things only irked me the smallest amount, I had an unbreakable wall and I knew it, well i wouldn’t call it a wall exactly. Unlike other people who put their walls up brick by brick, my barrier was something else all together. I like to think of it as a forest, one that lies between the outside world and my feelings and emotions. over time every new pain I experienced, or every time my trust was broken it was like a seed was planted. As time passed each seed grew into a large tree, which then created more trees. Soon the real me, the soft, trusting, open and loving person I once was as a child, hid on the inner side of an impenetrable forest. It’d take someone years of navigation and tenacity to break through it at this point, if that feat was even possible. I’m sure my forest was readily claimed, or lived in by some terrible and unfathomable beasts by now. So this, the shallow relationship I now had was a result.
In return I believed, over and over that this is what I deserved, and that this is better than being alone. I knew one thing for sure, being in a relationship with a James, was definitely better than being homeless. Or even worse, living with Rose. I couldn’t listen to her talk about every new boy she met over and over, followed by her scientific break down of the chemistry they had through her studies of online quotes, memes and self help. I couldn’t even believe how much information she had on this kind of stuff anyways, the things she stored away on her phone as she sipped her unicorn latte’s were mind numbing.
As for my parents, they were just ghosts that nobody knew anything about. No one could tell me who they were, or where they came from, all anyone did know is they’d left me at an ER bloody and alone, crying and sporting my trendy little necklace. When i was younger I had spent time searching for the meaning of a strange symbol that adorned both sides of the charm, often looking through books at Robins, I tried to find anything that might match the symbol upon it to no avail. Then when I finally had internet access, i went online looking for something similar. I searched for family crests or family symbols, all dead ends. The only things that reminded me of it at all, were a few ancient greek symbols I dug up. I guess it didn’t really matter, I still wore it every day. It’s the only thing I really have to remember that I had parents at all.
As long as I can remember life had been a struggle. Moving from place to place, in and out of new homes my entire life, this never really let me have any real connections, with friends or parent figures. But there was Dorothy who had fostered me for the longest, albeit only one year. But she was the most memorable. She always told me “you’re a survivor little one, and your spirit flies high, with the fire of a thousand winds”. I don’t know what that meant, but she always said it with confidence. It sounded like something she pulled from a badly written adventure book about middle earth. Although I do give her credit, because she was the person who showed me that i was a survivor. Who comes up with that stuff anyway? Why am i telling you all of this? Because i’m explaining the excuse behind the bullshit decision I just made. The decision to not walk in on my cheating boyfriend, and let him finish inside of my best friend.
Instead, i took a walk to my favorite Café, the one rose worked at actually. She’s on break right now. Now i’m sitting here enjoying my favorite, a strawberry banana smoothie. One day not too long after this though, my life changed in a way that can only be something pulled from one of those middle earth adventure books, and only I can tell it.
Chapter 1: The Caged Bird
Upon the shoulders of Gods we ride, and upon the wings of Titans we soar. Our lies, our dreams and our lives, forsaken. Never to see the light of the Gods. For we only become immortal through love, and they are immortal by right.
February 14th was the day of a rather busy, for me at least, valentines day. I’d been running endless errands for my ungrateful boss Colleen all day. See, I was an assistant to Colleen, who was an assistant to Joe Redford, one of New York’s most infamous attorneys. First Colleen wanted me to go on a coffee run, then the boss didn’t like the creamer that he specifically asked for. Next I had to run and get a marsh mellow square, because she had to have it. But then, once i returned she decided to leave it on her desk and never touch it.
This happened nearly every day in different forms, all while she barked at me, and gave me unappreciative scoffs, always following my successful completion of every fleeting task. Colleen was really never satisfied, and she always acted stressed. About what? Beats me. I say she acted stressed, because she never had anything to be actually stressed about. I took care of anything that would actually stress her out. She mostly just sat there, drinking coffee after coffee, coughing orders and paying the salaries for every Starbucks employee 5 times over. I know all of this sounds like a lot for a girl of eighteen, freshly taking part in her first big girl job. But this was New York City, the land of stress, taxes and rent prices that blew the lid off the stratosphere.
This Valentines night James and I had dinner plans, he didn’t particularly like the idea of Valentines Day, but to me it was non-negotiable. I wasn’t going to let the other woman have this night. I worked as hard and fast as I could that day trying to please Colleen, still I was a few hours later leaving than i had planned. But this was the city that never sleeps, and no matter the time, James and I could find somewhere to get the dinner I wanted. So as usual I trekked the booming streets of the metropolis and subway system, found my way to my apartment building, then climbed up 8 stories of worn concrete stairs to my apartment.
I unlocked the door, walked in and closed it behind me. I already started to get irritated when I seen the note hand written on a napkin. It was neatly set on the dining table next to a dozen roses. James wrote: “Hey babe, you didn’t come home… The boys called and wanted to hang out… Talk to you when I get home… LOVE YA” signed with a heart, which made a tear in the napkin as he wrote it. I was already stressed and exhausted from my work so it didn’t bother me as much as i expected, at first. I sat down on the couch, not even taking my jacket off yet, my mind began to race and I let out a deep sigh. I’d typically start thinking of every possible negative thought I could when I was stressed, this is just how I was wired and tonight was no different. I stared ungratefully at the bouquet of roses left for me, they sat there smugly like a perfect clue leading me to the conclusion I’d already known. That fucker was out with Rose… On Valentines Day! This was something I’d normally shake off, but on Valentines Day… Really? Who did he think he was? Saint Valentine, the patron saint of love would be turning over in his grave.
I knew I was strong and I knew I was a survivor. What I also knew was Roses location. We’ve been sharing it for as long as I’d known her. I pulled out my phone, pulled up her contact info and it read “Not Available”, how convenient. I imagined steam might be spewing from my ears now. I could leave right now, walk every block, track them down and confront them… but to what end? that wasn’t surviving, that was throwing away everything. Being alone and homeless, I knew this. But I also knew it was Valentines Day and that meant something to me, even if my relationship was a farce, I deserved to feel important every once and awhile. I sat around for a few minutes, pacing around our small apartment. Then I went into the bedroom. Maybe I would just do it, just go hunt them down and confront them. Or maybe I’d just go out and find a fun place to let loose for the night. Or maybe, i’d just take a short walk into the nearest busy intersection. It’s not like anyone was worried about what i’m doing, or where I was going.
I wasn’t sure what i was going to do yet, but it was decided that i was leaving. I quickly took my fancy work clothes off and climbed into the shower, the warm water felt overwhelming over my cold body, I was normally cold, a product of my icy heart always soaking up what little heat I had to spare. Once I was done i browsed the closet full of wrinkled and unkempt clothes, clothes that i never actually wore. After rummaging through my endless collection of untouched garments, I pulled out my favorite little black dress, tossing it on my bed. I walked to my drawer and pulled out my favorite black lace bra and matching panties. I threw my bra on and reached behind my back clipping it together, then slid the lace panties up my smoothly shaved legs. Struggling to maneuver them over my butt without them twisting. I put my black dress on and made sure to pull it tight, it was important that it fit good in all the right places. Then as I turned to check out how my butt looked in it, I smiled at the sight of my only redeeming feature. “Fuck!” In my determination to look sexy, I forgot it was freezing out. It was the middle of February, what was I thinking? I’d have a jacket on anyway i realized, so who could I impress if going out is what i planned to do. For a moment i imagined the usefulness of black clothing when committing murder, i assumed nothing hid blood better than black.
It wasn’t uncommon for New York girls to head out in the freezing cold with practically nothing on. But I wasn’t stupid, I was already always cold, and never really could relate with anyone who chose hypothermia over having some class. Not that I wasn’t guilty of doing it once or twice. But I took the sexy black dress off, and tossed it depressingly into a pile of unworn clothes in my closet, letting out a big sigh. Without thinking I grabbed a fancy sweater, a pairs of thick yoga pants and a pair of tight fitting jeans to put on over top of those. I threw the clothes on quickly, and found a matching beanie to keep my head warm since my hair was damp. I checked my butt again, just for good measure, then headed for the door. There was nothing really special about me or my body. I was just a normal girl somewhere in the middle, with average breasts and a slightly above average booty, or so i’m told. I also didn’t have any real talents, beyond my ability to fall deeply into every book i read, which i was thankful for because that was usually my ticket as far away from here as I could get.
I headed out of my apartment, locking the door behind me. Then walked determined down the 8 flights of old stairs to the bottom and out of my building, I began walking aimlessly. Car horns and the endless chatter of feet on the pavement surrounded me. We didn’t have too much snow this year in the city, so the streets were still bare. Street lights were casting an elegant warm glow over the chiseled stone faces of the surrounding buildings. I had no plans and no direction, I just wanted to walk, maybe walk as far away from my life as possible. Creating a little distance between the real me, and the me I had to pretend to be in order to survive, that felt like enough for the moment, I could be happy with that.
I kept walking for what felt like hours, taking in everyone and everything i passed. one foot after the other, I was headed for no place very particular. My fingertips soon began to get cold, even with my gloves on, so I put them in my pocket in an attempt to stop them from falling off. That was the first moment I contemplated turning back, a few thousand steps later is when I reached the head of the river. In front of me the Hudson River opened up to the big beautiful ocean, immense and powerful. I had lived here all my life and never once ventured to see this. The only nature I’d ever experienced was in Central Park. I’d thought to myself how impressive this river was, as it demanded its passage through a man-made jungle of concrete and steel, flowing above busy subway tunnels and below a vast city of certain madness, a place where everyone is struggling to find a place to belong. But not the river, it was here right where it demanded to be, carving its way through the center of this cursed city, straight to the ocean where it was destined to end up. God it was powerful, i thought. The endless water and sky I had seen before me let me realize, just for a second how small I was, how minuscule my silly problems actually were. Then all the doubt I had before this moment, seemed to slip away into the true obscurity of their existence.